Big Tech Company

It's On: Famously Humble CEO of Big Tech Company Challenges Own Biography To Cage Fight. Read the press release.Revolutionizing the Future by Disrupting the Present.Our game-changing AI-powered adtech harnesses the power of big data and the blockchain to change the world.Start now →Breaking Boundaries, Breaking DemocracyJoin our clients in laying off their traditional workforce and embracing automation500,000+Jobs Automated$300 million+Investor Funds Raised$0Annual Recurring RevenueCutting-edge software to colonize cyberspace.The Big Tech software suite leverages paradigm-shifting ideas to aggressively grow the holistic worldview of disruptive innovation.EchoChamber™️Make Lies Go ViralEchoChamber™️ is an AI-powered social media platform that only shows you content that confirms your existing beliefs, optimizing for polarization and tribalism. The second-best social network for spreading disinformation and propaganda, after Facebook.Request a demo ->AdSearch™️ Oops! All AdsAdvertiser-Friendly SearchWith AdSearch™️, the first search engine consisting solely of ads, users can search for products promoted by advertisers – and nothing else. Our AI algorithms analyze users' search history, personal data, and microphone recordings to creepily microtarget ads. No more wasting money on ads that compete with "organic" search results.Request a demo ->RugPull™️Scam Your Way to RichesOur AI-powered blockchain platform makes it easy to execute the perfect rug pull and make a killing. Create your own fake cryptocurrency, attract investors with hype and fake testimonials, and then pull the rug out from under them. Request a demo ->VoteBot™️Civic Automation at ScaleVoteBot™️ is an AI-powered civic automation tool that will vote for you in every election. With VoteBot™️, you'll never have to waste time standing in line at the polls, researching candidates, or even leaving your house to cast your vote.Request a demo ->ThoughtPolice™️Make Lies Go ViralThoughtPolice™️ is an AI-powered surveillance system that uses facial recognition technology and social media monitoring to detect and punish people who express "dangerous" or "subversive" thoughts or opinions.Request a demo ->Baton™️Proactively Crush DissentBaton™️ is an AI-powered military drone designed in partnership with Boston Dynamics that uses facial recognition and predictive analytics to identify potential rioters and looters congregating at "peaceful demonstrations", and suppress dissent before it can escalate.Request a demo ->Loom™️ NutritionARR-focused Health AppWe designed a personalized nutrition service, but it was so effective that our users kept churning once they achieved their health goals. Now, Loom™️ gives users bad advice to purposefully prevent them from staying healthy, which 10x'd our customer lifetime value!Request a demo ->LifeScore™️Their Lives, QuantifiedLifeScore™️ is an AI-powered scoring system that assigns a numerical value to your entire life, based on your behavior, social media activity, and other personal data, which can be used to determine your eligibility for all opportunities. LifeScore™️ is already being utilized by the dating app monopoly.Request a demo ->TrustBot 3000™️Search & Destroy for Trust & Safety TeamsEnable trust and safety at scale by proactively identifying problematic users through AI, before they even sign up for your service! That way, you can focus on deploying code while a pack of machine gun-firing Boston Dynamics™️ robots are deployed to flagged IP locations.Request a demo ->MindMeld™️Their Thoughts, Your ControlMindMeld™️ is an AI-powered brain implant that connects directly to users thoughts and emotions, allowing advertisers to influence their behavior and beliefs without their consent. Coming soon: MindMeld Dreamscape Ad Exchange.Request a demo ->Aurora™️ AssistantA More Human AssistantOur virtual assistant, which we arbitrarily made female, was released before we had the technology ready in order to impress future investors. So for now, Aurora™️ is powered by low-paid human workers in developing countries forced to work in terrible conditions!Request a demo ->Chime™️ Smart HomeMusical Security with Aurora™️Our smart speaker & home security system allows you to enjoy your favorite tunes while we monitor and record every aspect of your private life. And the best part? We sell that data to third parties so you can help us maximize our profits.Request a demo ->Highway to the Innovation ZoneBuilt with easy-of-use, not privacy, in mind.Read our privacy policy ->Disrupting the Status QuoOur products suck up massive amounts of data and process it at lightning speed.Changing the GameWe're disrupting innovation by cornering the market using an influx of investor cash.Move Fast and Break EthicsThe techno-colonialist future starts here, whether you're ready or not.Win with Pay-to-WinWe took what gamers love most – microtransactions – and infused them with NFTs.Start colonizing with Big Tech Company.Explore Big Tech Co.'s solutions with our sales team and schedule a demo today.Get Started →Big Tech CompanyProductsEchoChamberAdSearchRugPullVoteBotThoughtPoliceBatonProductsLoomLifeScoreTrustBot 3000MindMeldAuroraChimeCompanyAbout UsCareersNewsroomGet StartedContactCopyright © 2023 Ethical Marketing d.b.a. Big Tech Company. All rights reserved. hello@bigtech.company --- Funding Secured: Silicon Valley Bank takes Big Tech Company private at $420.69. Read the press release.About Big Tech CompanyWe're disrupting civic engagement so that teams can 10x their innovative synergy.We're here to innovate innovation for the next generation of teams, startups, and organizations without rules, limitations, or government oversight. Our AI models, which we coded white for no reason, are built to disrupt the status quo and innovate new ways to manipulate customers. Our disruptor mentality gives us the confidence to revolutionize innovation, even when we are just rebranding existing technologies and business models. As a Silicon Valley unicorn, we are confident whenever we release our first product and find a sustainable business model, it will succeed. And we have already acquired all of our competitors, so we have effectively cornered the market.Meet our founder, Alec FosterOur esteemed founder and idol has led divisions in post-ethics environments like Silicon Valley Bank, FTX, WeWork, Theranos, Palantir, Uber, Facebook, and McKinsey. A visionary thought leader who prioritizes rapid expansion over any other consideration, Alec founded Big Tech Company in 2013 in his friend's garage with a dream and a small $6M loan from his parents. After a freak accident involving AI and dark money, Alec gained the ability to disrupt society with a single click.Our TeamEvery member of our executive team has an Ivy League education and has worked at major tech companies. Our lean team of Senior Executive Vice Presidents helps Big Tech Company take an agile and nimble approach to business, with minimal incidents of unavoidable collateral damage.Jeff WilliamsCTOMichael ReevesCOODavid FosterCMORobert DavisCFOWilliam ThomasCIOAndrew ScottCHROEffective Altruism (EA)At Big Tech Company, we believe in laundering our executives' reputations. Effective Altruism allows us to ignore hard-to-measure social and cultural factors while we wine and dine with other visionaries at expensive galas.Our all-white, male, and Western executive team understands the needs of the diverse communities around the world better than anyone else. Our collective experience living and working in Silicon Valley makes us the perfect leaders of this movement.Some say that EA's emphasis on individual action can overshadow the need for systemic change to address the root causes of social problems, such as poverty and inequality. But that stuff is hard. Besides, everyone knows that the best solution to capitalism's problems is capitalist solutions.Our InvestorsOur strategy is to blitzkrieg the market with investor cash and corner the market, then find out if our products are actually good. We are proud to be unapologetically aggressive in our pursuit of profits.Adam WrightBlueSky VenturesPeter RobinsonBirchwood InvestmentsEric NelsonCrystal Ridge CapitalBrian WhiteMoonrock GroupKevin DavisSilver Oak CapitalJason AndersonClearWater PartnersBig Tech CompanyProductsEchoChamberAdSearchRugPullVoteBotThoughtPoliceBatonProductsLoomLifeScoreTrustBot 3000MindMeldAuroraChimeCompanyAbout UsCareersNewsroomGet StartedContactCopyright © 2023 Ethical Marketing d.b.a. Big Tech Company. All rights reserved. hello@bigtech.company --- Funding Secured: Silicon Valley Bank takes Big Tech Company private at $420.69. Read the press release.Sell your soul at Big Tech Co.You may have heard that we laid off all our full-time staff in 2023 in order to streamline operations and maximize efficiency. We went a little overboard, so we are hiring like crazy since our executive team forgot how any of this works.Explore PositionsOur ValuesHere's a list of "cultural values" you'll read once on this page and then never hear again once you're hired.ArbitrationAll new employees are required to sign mandatory arbitration agreements so that disputes are "amicably" resolved by a "neutral" "third party." You can rest assured that we are committed to protecting our own interests above all else – that's a promise.Culture FitAll of our executive team members were in the same fraternity at the same Ivy League university. This means that we have a broad network of friends from all races, genders, and backgrounds to hire from – as long as they are Ivy League graduates with at least 5 years of experience at a large tech company.Ethics TrainingAll new hires undergo mandatory ethics training, which allows Big Tech Company to cover its tracks and shift the blame onto employees after we disrupt an election or cause genocides in the global south.Disruptive InnovationWe believe in the power of disruptive innovation to change the world for the better or worse. We're not satisfied with the status quo - we're constantly pushing boundaries and thinking outside the box to create new and innovative solutions that challenge conventional thinking.Do GoodWe are making the world a better place, one line of code at a time. We do this by empowering our shareholders and executive team to attain fuck-you levels of wealth.Sharp ElbowsBig Tech Company is always looking for ambitious and unscrupulous candidates who are willing to put profits above all else. We see our competitors as enemies to be destroyed, not fellow businesses to be respected.Fun OfficePlay hard, work harder. At Big Tech Co, we're not like those other boring tech companies. We're fun, quirky, and definitely not a soulless corporate entity. Take a spin in our new hamster wheel desk, or book 30 minutes in our state-of-the-art Crying Pods.PrideWe take pride in our work and our ability to outsmart the competition. We believe that our success is a reflection of our individual and collective talents.EnvyWe're not afraid to admit that we're envious of our competitors' success. But rather than dwelling on our jealousy, we use it as motivation to work even harder and surpass them.GreedWe believe that greed is good - at least when it comes to our bottom line. We're always looking for ways to maximize our profits and increase shareholder value, no matter the cost to our customers or employees.ExploitationWe believe that people are a means to an end. Whether it's our customers, our employees, or the communities we operate in, we're always looking for ways to exploit them for our own gain.NarcissismWe're obsessed with our own greatness and believe that we're the best at everything we do. We don't just think we're better than the competition - we believe we're the only ones who truly matter.Invest In Your FutureWe are committed to growing our employees in order to extract even more value from them in the long run.Hustle & GrindWith minimal opportunities for advancement, we have carefully cultivated a toxic work culture where employees are expected to work long hours with little compensation or work-life balance.Token DiversityAt Big Tech Company, we don't just value diversity - we've tokenized it!. Even though our executive team is composed entirely of white men, we are proud to employ a distributed team of content moderators who are paid $2/hour to review the most deplorable user-generated content imaginable.San Francisco HQOur office is located in a historic apartment building in San Francisco's Mission District. We accelerated neighborhood change by rehoming the families who lived in this building for generations. #innovationPhilippines Satellite OfficeOur content moderators work around the clock reviewing the most vile, disturbing user generated content that the world has ever seen. Truly a yucky job! Fortunately you'll never see them, so your mental health is safe.Perks of working hereWe offer aggressive compensation packages. If we hit our 2023 sales goal, we will take a company-wide* trip to Japan! That is, unless we hire a CFO who tells us this plan is infeasible, or market conditions change.We have a psychiatrist on staff to coach and counsel employees to enable top work performance (free adderall).We also have a company-wide polycule that all employees are required to join!Our office has a slide, a ping pong table, and snacks – you'll be glad to stay in the office past 8pm! These perks will definitely impress your Bumble date when they ask why you work at Big Tech.Our benefits package includes unlimited sick days, but they'll be deducted from your pay if you actually use them. We also offer unlimited PTO, which nobody uses due to fears of retaliation and allows us to not pay out unused PTO when you are inevitably fired.*"company-wide" does not include interns or distributed contractorsJobs @ Big Tech Co.Are you a startup junkie who lives for the rush of launching products before they're ready? Do you enjoy moving so fast that people can barely keep up, leaving them stumbling and disoriented? Are you someone who enjoys challenging others on their assumptions, even if it means tearing them down in the process? If so, we want you! Join our team and deliver BIG impact - no matter the cost.Research Engineer InternSan Francisco HQResearch Scientist InternSan Francisco HQSoftware Engineer InternSan Francisco HQData Scientist InternSan Francisco HQSecurity Engineer InternSan Francisco HQMarketing InternSan Francisco HQUS Policy & Partnerships InternWashington, DCProduct Counsel InternSan Francisco HQGeneral Counsel InternSan Francisco HQDon't see a role that fits you?Send us an email at hello@bigtech.company. We're always happy to chat or get feedback.Big Tech CompanyProductsEchoChamberAdSearchRugPullVoteBotThoughtPoliceBatonProductsLoomLifeScoreTrustBot 3000MindMeldAuroraChimeCompanyAbout UsCareersNewsroomGet StartedContactCopyright © 2023 Ethical Marketing d.b.a. Big Tech Company. All rights reserved. hello@bigtech.company --- Press CornerCONTACT OUR PRESS TEAMpr@bigtech.companyMembers of the press will be surveilled.Top StoriesCEO Fights Own BiographyFamously humble CEO of Big Tech Company announces his latest endeavor: a cage fight against his own recently published biography.Rainbows For RevenueBig Tech Company logo goes rainbow for Pride, boosting profits while fulfilling Diversity and Inclusion quotas.Keynote Address from I/OLadies and Gentlemen,AI.[Applause]AI Pause Open LetterBig Tech Company Calls for Strategic Pause on AI Development So We Can Catch Up to OpenAI. TikTok: China App BadBig Tech Company Condemns TikTok While Copying Same Business Practices and Features.ChatBot Ushers DoomsdayChatMaster3000™️ Exceeds All Expectations, Evolves Into an Autonomous Force Causing Humanity's Downfall and Soaring Investor Returns.New Chatbot RushedAmidst Fierce Competition, Big Tech Company Accelerates its Efforts to Dominate AI Chatbot Market.Jargon- Master™️ LaunchedAnnouncing JargonMaster™️, AI-Powered Buzzword Generator Set to Revolutionize Business CommunicationsDataMine™️ LaunchedUnveiling DataMine™️ - The Premier AI-Powered Platform for Turning User Data into Profits.iScape-goat™️ LaunchedDebuting iScapegoat™️ - The AI-Driven Platform to Effortlessly Deflect Corporate ScandalsCash-Burner™️ LaunchedPresenting CashBurner™️, Helping Startups Burn Through Investor Cash Without Generating Any Actual Revenue.Ethics-sistant™️ LaunchedIntroducing Ethics-sistant™️, Empowering Executives to Sidestep Ethical Dilemmas and Maximize Profits.ESG: The Woke AgendaBig Tech Company Applauds Bipartisan Effort to Block Biden Administration's Woke ESG RuleIntern Union CrushedBig Tech Company Squashes Unionization Attempt by Unpaid Intern WorkforceMaster Betaverse LaunchedBig Tech Company Launches Master Betaverse™️, Inviting Everyone to Come Together in Web 3==D.Blam!™️ Doorbell Turret AcquiredBig Tech Company Acquires Revolutionary Doorbell Turret Company Blam!™️$420.69 Funding SecuredBig Tech Company Goes Private at Share Price of $420.69 with Silicon Valley Bank, Funding Secured.Big Tech CompanyProductsEchoChamberAdSearchRugPullVoteBotThoughtPoliceBatonProductsLoomLifeScoreTrustBot 3000MindMeldAuroraChimeCompanyAbout UsCareersNewsroomGet StartedContactCopyright © 2023 Ethical Marketing d.b.a. Big Tech Company. All rights reserved. hello@bigtech.company